Childbirth is a big deal. It’s a life changing experience, and most of us only get to go through it once or twice. From the pain of transition to the triumph of delivery, it can be and should be an beautiful experience – difficult, but beautiful.
Throughout the process, however, if you’re choosing to have a vaginal birth, there’s a knowledge that you are the only one who can get your baby out. Doctors, nurses, midwives, and doulas are there to help, but they cannot stop the process or speed it up. It’s you and your body doing the work. Even your baby’s father can often feel isolated and helpless as he watches you go through labor and birth.
As important as the mother’s birth experience is, I think it’s important for fathers to have a good birth experience as well, though. Don’t get me wrong – the mother should undoubtedly be supported throughout the process. I’m not advocating that we should focus on the father. But I think we’ve failed to equip fathers to support their wife during labor and birth.
Dr. Robert Bradley, in his (then) revolutionary 1965 book Husband-Coached Childbirth, advocated for not only the presence of husbands in delivery rooms, but the active participation of these husbands as an essential part of the delivery team. When Dr. Bradley started his career, husbands and family members were not allowed in the delivery room. He describes one lightbulb moment when a young mother was so grateful for his help. Dr. Bradley says,
“Why was I the object of her gratitude as a labor coach while her young lover sat uselessly in the waiting room, fearful and anxious over his sweetheart’s safety, eagerly wishing to see the outcome of his love for her, the baby, yet deprived by isolation from the most meaningful emotional experience of their lives together?” (Bradley, 2008).
While I don’t agree with much of what Dr. Bradley says in his book, I do think this is a valuable concept. If you have a husband who wants to be involved in your labor, it is right to help to equip him to be your support. He can’t run the marathon – that’s a role only you can fill. But he can be your cheerleader, your coach, your advocate, and your safe place – and do a darn good job of it, too.
Here are some specific pointers and conversation points to help equip a father to support his wife during labor and birth. This can be an ongoing conversation throughout pregnancy. Even one text a day can help to forge teamwork and intimacy as you look forward to delivery day.
Husbands should learn how to coach their wives during labor. This is going to look different for each couple. For example, my husband’s coaching style points back to past successes. He would tend to say something like this, “Your mom did this six times and survived. You’ll be fine.” If that were said to me during labor, I would probably have banned him from the delivery room myself… well, between contractions anyway. But in all seriousness, that is not the most effective way to coach me. I want to hear him say things like,
- “Focus on the here and now.”
- “You only have to do this contraction right now.”
- “You are so brave. I’m so proud of you.”
- “This contraction is not stronger than you; this contraction is you.”
- “Relax your whole body as much as you can.”
So, ask your husband what his coaching style is, and communicate how you like to be coached. And keep in mind that even your preferred coaching style changes during labor. You can prepare, but you may not end up using what you’ve practiced. And that’s okay! Either way, you’ve grown as a team and you can be closer during labor and birth.
Husbands should be educated about the childbirth process. Many husbands are still slightly grossed out or concerned that they will pass out during childbirth. That’s okay – they can stay by the head of the bed (or anywhere away from splash zone). Most good men are willing to learn, simply because their wife and teammate will be going through the process. This can look like taking a childbirth education class or watching YouTube videos.
(I would opt for anatomy/animation type videos instead of birth vlogs, since vlogs can be pretty graphic for someone who doesn’t want to watch a total stranger push out a baby in all her sweaty, birthday-suit glory. 🙂 And that’s totally okay!)
Some questions to talk about with dad:
- How long do you expect labor to last? (first time labors often last quite a bit longer than dads tend to expect, and water breaking doesn’t always mean that birth is imminent.)
- What is your initial perception of labor and birth?
- What would dad like to do thoughout labor and delivery? For example, would dad like to hold the water bottle, be the DJ, keep a stash of snacks for mom, or cut the cord?
- Do you know what my preferences are? Consider giving your husband a list of preferences (different positions you’d like to try, moving during transition, etc.)
- How would you like to celebrate after birth? (Consider champagne, wine, iced coffee, a meal, etc., and let your husband coordinate that celebration).
- How do you communicate during stressful times, and how can you improve that?
- What do we both tend to do when you are under stress (for example, retreat, speak louder, etc.)
- Do you feel comfortable with the sight of blood? How do you think you will handle seeing me in pain?
- Do you think you can be mentally prepared if I get frustrated, yell, or snap at you during labor because I am so preoccupied during labor?
Start with these questions, and as you both learn more about birth and about each other, more questions will come up. Labor and birth can be a special memory for both of you as you learn to know each other and become a better team throughout the process.